How did the most popular kids at school become popular? (Hint: not for the reason you think)

what makes popular kids become popular?

Researchers set out to discover what makes kids popular at school. They were certain they'd find the expected traits: humor, being more athletic, beauty, charisma. But what they discovered surprised even them.

The answer was so simple (and so unexpected) that it completely changes how we think about human connections.

The Research That Breaks the Myths

How it was done: Researchers studied hundreds of students across multiple high schools, using proven sociometric methods to examine popularity.

What they found: All the usual hypotheses about popularity - humor, athleticism, physical attractiveness, extroversion - didn't explain the differences in popularity. Yes, there were popular kids who had all these traits, but it wasn't the defining common denominator.

Instead, they discovered a consistent pattern that crossed age, gender, and schools: The most popular kids were those with the longest list of children they rated as "liked by them" or "their friends."

Why is this so liberating?

How many of us try to be "the most interesting person in the room"? Trying to be funnier, more confident, more "cool" - just to feel accepted and valued? This finding frees us from that terrible pressure.

You don't need to be the most interesting people in the room for others to want to be around you.

You just need to be the person who is most interested in others.

This is especially good news for introverts and anyone who feels they're "not enough" - not funny enough, not charismatic enough, not confident enough.

All you need is to look for what there is to love in others and how you can love those you already love, even more.

How does this work as adults?

When I work with my mentees, one of the most powerful parts of the process is when I ask them to ask friends: "Why are you friends with me?" - What's in it about me?

At first, those friends won't really understand what you want from them and will say things like: you're funny, you're smart, you're loyal, etc., but you need to insist: "You just described a general good friend, what about me makes us be there for each other at 3 AM, no matter what." The reason for the difficulty is that we're asking them to describe a feeling/emotion in words, two things connected to different parts of the brain. The part of the brain responsible for emotions is the limbic system, including areas like the amygdala and hippocampus, which are related to emotional regulation and survival. The part responsible for speech is mainly Broca's area, located in the frontal lobe, which handles planning and producing speech movements. At some point, if you insist enough (but don't help them), they'll start describing themselves, how they feel when you're with them. And that's what you're looking for!

Here are some practical tips

In personal conversations, focus on:

• What really excites them?

• What do they love talking about?

• What are they proud of?

• What moves them?

At work or in professional settings:

• Which project excites them?

• What skill do they have that they might undervalue?

• What's that thing that comes so easily to them that everyone turns to them for help with it?

The magic question: Instead of "How can I impress this person?" ask "How can I love this person more?"

My Story

Do you remember when I told you about the project of 60 free coffee meetings? It worked not because I was interesting, but because I came to each meeting with genuine curiosity about what drives them. When I focused on getting to know and understand them, they began to feel seen and heard. In the end, they didn't remember what I said to them. They remembered how I made them feel.

Take a challenge for the coming week

Instead of asking "How will I look smart/interesting/successful?" Try asking: "How can I love this person more?"

When you enter a conversation with this question:

• The atmosphere becomes more relaxed (for you)

• The other person feels more comfortable

• The conversation becomes more authentic

• People remember you positively

The popular kids didn't need to be the funniest in class. They were simply the best at finding what there is to love in everyone else, so they had "the longest friends list" As adults, we can do exactly the same thing.

How does this relate to your journey to find your Personal Market Fit? Share in the comments 👇

Sources: The research was cited by social behavior experts Vanessa Van Edwards and Mel Robbins, and supported by additional research in developmental psychology